I thought when you face your mortality, you are supposed to acquire a quiet wisdom about life. I don't know why I thought that or even where I found that idea. Regardless, it's bullshit.
I have no new quiet wisdom. I do have more questions, though.
I just read that. Maybe I don't have more questions. It could be I just have the same questions. They may just be louder in my head.
Why don't people just do what I want them to do? More specifically, why don't the once I really want to be around, come around?
The most heartbreaking is my son. Those words he threw at me. The hate and hurt hurled my way, hit me hard. He vowed that that was it. I hope those are not his last words to me though it seems that was his intent.
Janet is another. I know she understands how lonely things can get. When she lost Marc suddenly, I know that empty feeling she felt. I also know that she wants to come and see me. Oh, alright. I assume she wants to come and see me. Maybe I just fantasize she wants to come and see me. Would it be so bad? It's not like I'm asking her to bale hay. She seemed pretty interested and eager before this whole cancer thing.
Kelly hasn't called, messaged or anything similar in what is approaching six months. She has had a rough couple of years, I know, losing her mom and her dad. I helped her through losing her mother. I spent hours on the phone with her going through that. I guess she has other interests.
So I sit here at the wonderful Daffodil Lodge, with octogenerians, going through radiation which is no goddamned fun. For the most part, it's in silence because I sound like a drunk trying to talk with half of a tongue.
Anyway, enough bitching for now. I'm tired.
Later
Dean
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